"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."

Lauren and 18. Reclusive gay liberal agnostic blogger from Alabama. I'm a writer.

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This has just been the worst summer I…half my friends turned their back on me or cut me out after graduation. So I’ve been suffering in isolation (no license, no car and a job is out of question at the moment..) smoking weed and drinking and snorting pills. I don’t know what to do from here. I really don’t know, and it’s fucking terrifying, not knowing what to do with your life or where to go. Do I just to keep going? Or do I just end it all? Maybe I could drink myself to death, or score some cocaine and overdose or something. I don’t know! I’m learning how to drive, but it terrifies me. I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone while on the road, and I can’t live with that. I really can’t. And now..Sunday, our oldest dog (he was only 9..) passed. And that was MY dog. My parents got him for me when I was 9. He was the sweetest thing ever..to humans, anyways. Buddy wasn’t exactly fond of other animals, but he was the best. The absolute best and loyal companion. I fucking love that mutt. He was only 9…9 for god’s sake, he should of lived to at least 12. And I don’t know, this may sound stupid..I don’t know what to do anymore. I get to see one of my best friends tomorrow, which will probably make me feel better, but what about when I leave? Then I’m stuck in isolation again, with no weed or alcohol..I don’t know if this makes sense, and I’ll probably delete this whenever I remember it, but I’m…not miserable, but somewhere in between, and I’m terrified you guys, I really am. I don’t know what to do with my life, or even if I should continue living it, which, logically I should keep going, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it…I’m just scared. This is so stupid and I’m so sorry, but I need to get this out.

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